Is there There there??

Been wondering whether one can say whether there is there there. Have you been there? When you reach there that’s when you know you that, There, is far from you. Some of us , though thinking that we have been there but once you talk to us , that is when you know that we are far from being there. Can having been there be objectively be defined? I suppose,sometimes, one can have been to a place and believe so, but that person was never there. Maybe one has to say I passed through the place. How much of confidence can we say that we have been there? Yes we can say we have seen it all but have we actually seen everything and being there? Do we understand everything? Are we experienced enough to say we have been there now because we there in the past? So many things are changing BUT not our perceptions that we have been there. Have we been There to say we have been there? What do you say if you think you have seen There in there???

Once upon a time

Once upon a time I would enjoy doing all sorts of things but they will come a time when you want to derive deeper meaning from the things you have always done, the things you have always taken for granted. These could be attitude, beliefs or plain hobbies. You ask yourself why you have religiously followed the rituals. You tell yourself that you always wanted or liked it or you were just plainly hooked to it. Sometimes you cannot answer that. You are always changing and adapting to life changes and you wonder whether you are probably getting less normal. Everyone, though may see or regard you the way you were yesterday but now you are no longer the same. You are adapting to new challenges and some people may tend to doubt you when you say: I am no longer like that. Nothing to worry about though.

Losing momentum

Well, when you start blogging it is one of those things that can happen to you. It is so fulfilling in the beginning and you wonder why you did not start earlier. But things will not stay the same. Some things have to change. [Get me right I am not generalizing folks – Tell me if nothing changes.] You grow and sometimes that intensity is no longer the same. You have to open those valves. When you blog the valves unintentionally open releasing pressure:The internalized and restricted emotions. My friend told me that blogging is about educating emotions to some extend. What do you say? Taming that “devil” in side us. At one stage they must come out and express themselves. One thing for sure you critically look at your self and reflect on your direction and where you are coming from. You revisit and configure what you have been doing. You may not feel that intense feeling anymore. But some folks got hooked to your blogs and you are afraid you will disappoint them if you do not feed their line with new Real Simple Syndicate. What more your subscribers, they expect one or two things in a fortnight. You ask yourself whether you should do it for them or yourself just to keep it going but when you lose your momentum. Anyway what is momentum? In Physics momentum is the product of mass and velocity. The final result would become huge if either your mass or velocity which can be regarded as the magnitude of speed increases. In Rugby momentum takes you across the try line. In motivation theories momentum keeps you going into the “danger zone” destroying everything in your wake. Nothing is impossible.
In blogging there will come when you either lose your mass or your velocity and thus your momentum decreases. Your rate of posting decreases. Sometimes you have realised no one reads your posts for many varied reasons. But despite that you no longer feel that urge to conquer the unknown. You have moved your self to new epistemological heights and your ontology has changed. You have a different perspective on life but when you started it was like therapeutic play.
You realise you have to blog because you are in the mood of it. It is about how frequently you posts. The “doubting Thomas” may think you have lost it. You have lost the momentum.
How I have noticed? Even good , popular and freshly pressed bloggers tend to lose their momentum too. The expectations would be too high from fellow bloggers. These guys have to maintain their momentum and quality on a daily basis. Is that possible? When the stats starts tumbling down I hope they do not feel that bad feeling. I have never been freshly preshed WordPress wise so I do not know how they feel but I empathise with them. I have lost the momentum for now and I hope to get it back. I would rather blog about what uplifts me now than do it for the sake of it.
Blogging is like narrating a story and it is up to them to take it up but should you care less.

Is it about losing momentum for now or forever?

The big decision

When children are very young they have an insatiable appetite for food but mostly toys. I would go into supermarkets with my son and he would want me to buy him all the toys: how would I be able to afford that? Besides I would be spoiling him.

This day I told him I was going to buy him some toys. He was very excited to accompany me to the supermarket.
When we were in the supermarket he started collecting different kinds of toys.
I told him that I was going to buy him only one toy and he must choose the one that he really wanted.

It took him by surprise. He had to make the biggest decision of his life. I could see him glued on the spot trying to choose only one item. He would pick one, stare at it and returned it to the shelf and reluctantly pick another one. He seemed to like all the toys but he could not make up his mind. For the first time in his life he had to make a big decision. This was not that easy for him.
I reminded him that we had to go. He came to the till and went back again to choose another toy. This to and fro motion took place many times. He was suffering from indecision. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes but today was the day to whet his appetite for toys forever.

Finally he chose the toy he wanted. We drove all the way home in total silence. I could see that he was feeling bad about the toy he had chosen or rather the ones he left behind. He wanted the other ones. It was a big decision he had to make.

The unthinkable truth: shattering.

The epistemological truth? You never thought that It could happen to you. You do not want to know. You think everyone is on your side until you get to know otherwise. You believe and you do not judge. You believe in building bridges.

Until your wife tells you she is filing for divorce but you have never let her down
Until your boss tells you that he is firing you after you seal that elusive big deal
Until your application for that post is turned down for an unknown and inexperienced person
After giving all your life to the organisation
Until your lover tells you that you have been treating her like …… and she must leave
Untill your workers tell you they want equal shares in the your company without contributing a cent
Untill your friend runs away with your lover
Untill your soldiers mutiny against you
Until all your people revolt and rise against you
You are surprised how much they hate you
After all you have “done” for them.
Surprised because you did not bother to know
All along you thought everything was fine and everyone was happy.
After all you had done to “uplift” them.
The painful truth; the real truth.
You think about every possibility every minute and people say you lack confidence
Guard against the “evil”
Your “enemies?”
Your “slaves”
Your “best” friends shoot at you even when your hands are up
Surendering!

The real epistemological truth.
The pain, the death, the starting point and the realization that you have been a fool all along
because you trusted and loved so much.
Blind faith
Loyalty: but you do not get it back
Why trust others when you do not even trust yourself
when:
You are always changing your mind.

The real epistemological truth

He thinks crime “pays.”

There are things you would not want to write about but the moment you do that you are attracting negative criticism. It is like you are experiencing pain and you say the pain is not there. You want to be a pretender so that you can please other people who think otherwise or who have different standpoints. You want to bring to

Living in a cage

Remember when you were growing up. We did not have these enclosures called “durawalls”. That was a long time ago. Even if we had them they were not that high. They used to mark the boundaries of the yard or property. Burglar bars and screen doors where not necessary. Yes “durawalls” would stop your dogs from straying and preventing your male dogs and bitches of seeing each other. Now the walls of “privacy”, the walls of fear are getting higher with high security fences. Razor wire to protect you from fellow human beings. You cannot trust the “neighbour” for the neighbour is the “suspect number one”. We are now living in a cage, a human zoo. Everything is bolted from inside. Are we now living in a jungle where literally the survival of the ruthless, unkind seem to be the order? Where a dog eat a dog. Where fear stalks you and you feel not safe and you want to run away to another forsaken place.

Do not trust anyone except your dogs

Sending the wrong signals to a toddler

I have always asked my two-year old daughter to do some errands for me and she always seemed enthusiastic to do them. She would do it to please me so I thought. Fetching a glass of water was her favourite. She would rush to get back to me sometimes spilling the water in the process. I would melt inside with happiness and satisfaction knowing that one day she will get it right. This loyalty was to turn into shattering experience.

Should I tell him?

I have thought about it and I cannot come to a decision. What is he going to say if he finds out that all along I knew? I am his best friend and he expects me to at least let him know. But this one will definitely deflate his pride, compromise his integrity and my integrity too if I do not tell him. I have had sleepless nights but I cannot decide. If he knew that I knew then that’s the end of our long deep and intimate friendship. Should I destroy that overnight? What about everything that we have cherished and upheld: honesty, loyalty, justice and the truth. The long nights spent discussing nothing but our common interests: astronomy, philosophy, commonsense, our private lives, and all the marks of good breeding.

Suddenly withholding this information would that make a good friend? I know things would never be the same again if he knows. I am caught between a hard rock and a hard surface. All my bodily fluids are being squashed out. My heart is racing and my breathing is slowing down. I have tried to show him that something is wrong and he does not read the danger. Many a time I have been close to telling him but I cannot bring myself to do it. I did not know I was a coward until now. Am I a good friend? So I have been lying to myself all along.

What has to be gained from letting him know. What has to be lost? Will I be able to face him again. He is my only friend, soul mate and rock. He thinks it is me who has a problem. He can sense something is wrong. He is concerned about me. He is trying his best to help me destroy him. I cannot do it. I cannot be the first but I cannot be the second or last either. I hope this thing will come to pass but I must pull the trigger first. What a heavy burden?

My conscience is in a turmoil. Everyone knows. They expect me to tell him. Why is he dump this time? A great problem solver who cannot see the obvious because it affects him. I wish he could just look beyond his long nose. Is it stupidity, faith or blind faith. Nothing adds up. I am in hell and the tongues of flames are leaping towards me in all directions.

I cannot tell you first what the problem is. It would be like I am stabbing him in the back.
I will alcohol-drink until I drop dead and try to-night. The day of deliverance is inevitable.

To hell with what is right and wrong.

The Inner World

You are feeling down and a friend comes from nowhere
He tells you let’s go for a night drive.
To see the neon lights.
You are feeling down and forsaken
And you have lost much self-esteem

The drive that turns out into everything none undesirable
From the music you engage with the past and present
The guitar gently weeps
While you shed a tear of belonging to the world gone by
You become part of the flow uphill and downhill
Like a fish you have to swim up-flow to spawn

You get lost in the flood
But you do not give a damn
You enjoy every second
Every minute.

Old memories come back to haunt you
You get into your inner world
And hope you could cling to that forever
Your body and soul rock to the old rhythm

Time does not seem to exist;
Dilated
Yesterday was better but insipid
And today is inspiring
Today gives you much to look for the future

Thanks Peter for the plugin.