The big decision

When children are very young they have an insatiable appetite for food but mostly toys. I would go into supermarkets with my son and he would want me to buy him all the toys: how would I be able to afford that? Besides I would be spoiling him.

This day I told him I was going to buy him some toys. He was very excited to accompany me to the supermarket.
When we were in the supermarket he started collecting different kinds of toys.
I told him that I was going to buy him only one toy and he must choose the one that he really wanted.

It took him by surprise. He had to make the biggest decision of his life. I could see him glued on the spot trying to choose only one item. He would pick one, stare at it and returned it to the shelf and reluctantly pick another one. He seemed to like all the toys but he could not make up his mind. For the first time in his life he had to make a big decision. This was not that easy for him.
I reminded him that we had to go. He came to the till and went back again to choose another toy. This to and fro motion took place many times. He was suffering from indecision. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes but today was the day to whet his appetite for toys forever.

Finally he chose the toy he wanted. We drove all the way home in total silence. I could see that he was feeling bad about the toy he had chosen or rather the ones he left behind. He wanted the other ones. It was a big decision he had to make.

The unthinkable truth: shattering.

The epistemological truth? You never thought that It could happen to you. You do not want to know. You think everyone is on your side until you get to know otherwise. You believe and you do not judge. You believe in building bridges.

Until your wife tells you she is filing for divorce but you have never let her down
Until your boss tells you that he is firing you after you seal that elusive big deal
Until your application for that post is turned down for an unknown and inexperienced person
After giving all your life to the organisation
Until your lover tells you that you have been treating her like …… and she must leave
Untill your workers tell you they want equal shares in the your company without contributing a cent
Untill your friend runs away with your lover
Untill your soldiers mutiny against you
Until all your people revolt and rise against you
You are surprised how much they hate you
After all you have “done” for them.
Surprised because you did not bother to know
All along you thought everything was fine and everyone was happy.
After all you had done to “uplift” them.
The painful truth; the real truth.
You think about every possibility every minute and people say you lack confidence
Guard against the “evil”
Your “enemies?”
Your “slaves”
Your “best” friends shoot at you even when your hands are up
Surendering!

The real epistemological truth.
The pain, the death, the starting point and the realization that you have been a fool all along
because you trusted and loved so much.
Blind faith
Loyalty: but you do not get it back
Why trust others when you do not even trust yourself
when:
You are always changing your mind.

The real epistemological truth

Sending the wrong signals to a toddler

I have always asked my two-year old daughter to do some errands for me and she always seemed enthusiastic to do them. She would do it to please me so I thought. Fetching a glass of water was her favourite. She would rush to get back to me sometimes spilling the water in the process. I would melt inside with happiness and satisfaction knowing that one day she will get it right. This loyalty was to turn into shattering experience. More

Should I tell him?

I have thought about it and I cannot come to a decision. What is he going to say if he finds out that all along I knew? I am his best friend and he expects me to at least let him know. But this one will definitely deflate his pride, compromise his integrity and my integrity too if I do not tell him. I have had sleepless nights but I cannot decide. If he knew that I knew then that’s the end of our long deep and intimate friendship. Should I destroy that overnight? What about everything that we have cherished and upheld: honesty, loyalty, justice and the truth. The long nights spent discussing nothing but our common interests: astronomy, philosophy, commonsense, our private lives, and all the marks of good breeding.

Suddenly withholding this information would that make a good friend? I know things would never be the same again if he knows. I am caught between a hard rock and a hard surface. All my bodily fluids are being squashed out. My heart is racing and my breathing is slowing down. I have tried to show him that something is wrong and he does not read the danger. Many a time I have been close to telling him but I cannot bring myself to do it. I did not know I was a coward until now. Am I a good friend? So I have been lying to myself all along.

What has to be gained from letting him know. What has to be lost? Will I be able to face him again. He is my only friend, soul mate and rock. He thinks it is me who has a problem. He can sense something is wrong. He is concerned about me. He is trying his best to help me destroy him. I cannot do it. I cannot be the first but I cannot be the second or last either. I hope this thing will come to pass but I must pull the trigger first. What a heavy burden?

My conscience is in a turmoil. Everyone knows. They expect me to tell him. Why is he dump this time? A great problem solver who cannot see the obvious because it affects him. I wish he could just look beyond his long nose. Is it stupidity, faith or blind faith. Nothing adds up. I am in hell and the tongues of flames are leaping towards me in all directions.

I cannot tell you first what the problem is. It would be like I am stabbing him in the back.
I will alcohol-drink until I drop dead and try to-night. The day of deliverance is inevitable.

To hell with what is right and wrong.

Fading away like a shadow


I used to regard some friendships highly but to be disappointed along the way when the relationship becomes a one way street. You have to be there for them. You have to sacrifice for them in any form but when you really need them More