Once upon a time

Once upon a time I would enjoy doing all sorts of things but they will come a time when you want to derive deeper meaning from the things you have always done, the things you have always taken for granted. These could be attitude, beliefs or plain hobbies. You ask yourself why you have religiously followed the rituals. You tell yourself that you always wanted or liked it or you were just plainly hooked to it. Sometimes you cannot answer that. You are always changing and adapting to life changes and you wonder whether you are probably getting less normal. Everyone, though may see or regard you the way you were yesterday but now you are no longer the same. You are adapting to new challenges and some people may tend to doubt you when you say: I am no longer like that. Nothing to worry about though.

The unthinkable truth: shattering.

The epistemological truth? You never thought that It could happen to you. You do not want to know. You think everyone is on your side until you get to know otherwise. You believe and you do not judge. You believe in building bridges.

Until your wife tells you she is filing for divorce but you have never let her down
Until your boss tells you that he is firing you after you seal that elusive big deal
Until your application for that post is turned down for an unknown and inexperienced person
After giving all your life to the organisation
Until your lover tells you that you have been treating her like …… and she must leave
Untill your workers tell you they want equal shares in the your company without contributing a cent
Untill your friend runs away with your lover
Untill your soldiers mutiny against you
Until all your people revolt and rise against you
You are surprised how much they hate you
After all you have “done” for them.
Surprised because you did not bother to know
All along you thought everything was fine and everyone was happy.
After all you had done to “uplift” them.
The painful truth; the real truth.
You think about every possibility every minute and people say you lack confidence
Guard against the “evil”
Your “enemies?”
Your “slaves”
Your “best” friends shoot at you even when your hands are up

The real epistemological truth.
The pain, the death, the starting point and the realization that you have been a fool all along
because you trusted and loved so much.
Blind faith
Loyalty: but you do not get it back
Why trust others when you do not even trust yourself
You are always changing your mind.

The real epistemological truth

Should I tell him?

I have thought about it and I cannot come to a decision. What is he going to say if he finds out that all along I knew? I am his best friend and he expects me to at least let him know. But this one will definitely deflate his pride, compromise his integrity and my integrity too if I do not tell him. I have had sleepless nights but I cannot decide. If he knew that I knew then that’s the end of our long deep and intimate friendship. Should I destroy that overnight? What about everything that we have cherished and upheld: honesty, loyalty, justice and the truth. The long nights spent discussing nothing but our common interests: astronomy, philosophy, commonsense, our private lives, and all the marks of good breeding.

Suddenly withholding this information would that make a good friend? I know things would never be the same again if he knows. I am caught between a hard rock and a hard surface. All my bodily fluids are being squashed out. My heart is racing and my breathing is slowing down. I have tried to show him that something is wrong and he does not read the danger. Many a time I have been close to telling him but I cannot bring myself to do it. I did not know I was a coward until now. Am I a good friend? So I have been lying to myself all along.

What has to be gained from letting him know. What has to be lost? Will I be able to face him again. He is my only friend, soul mate and rock. He thinks it is me who has a problem. He can sense something is wrong. He is concerned about me. He is trying his best to help me destroy him. I cannot do it. I cannot be the first but I cannot be the second or last either. I hope this thing will come to pass but I must pull the trigger first. What a heavy burden?

My conscience is in a turmoil. Everyone knows. They expect me to tell him. Why is he dump this time? A great problem solver who cannot see the obvious because it affects him. I wish he could just look beyond his long nose. Is it stupidity, faith or blind faith. Nothing adds up. I am in hell and the tongues of flames are leaping towards me in all directions.

I cannot tell you first what the problem is. It would be like I am stabbing him in the back.
I will alcohol-drink until I drop dead and try to-night. The day of deliverance is inevitable.

To hell with what is right and wrong.

The Inner World

You are feeling down and a friend comes from nowhere
He tells you let’s go for a night drive.
To see the neon lights.
You are feeling down and forsaken
And you have lost much self-esteem

The drive that turns out into everything none undesirable
From the music you engage with the past and present
The guitar gently weeps
While you shed a tear of belonging to the world gone by
You become part of the flow uphill and downhill
Like a fish you have to swim up-flow to spawn

You get lost in the flood
But you do not give a damn
You enjoy every second
Every minute.

Old memories come back to haunt you
You get into your inner world
And hope you could cling to that forever
Your body and soul rock to the old rhythm

Time does not seem to exist;
Yesterday was better but insipid
And today is inspiring
Today gives you much to look for the future

Thanks Peter for the plugin.

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